When one of my teenage sons texts from a sleepover asking if we can come pick him up, there is no hesitation, guilt trip, or questions about why. That has always been the rule in our house: if you want to come home, just let us know and we will be there.
We want them to feel safe when calling us to come home, regardless of where they are, what time it is, or why they want to leave. They do not need to explain or justify it. Whether it’s a strange feeling, social exhaustion, or simply a desire to sleep in their own bed, “Can you come get me?” is always sufficient.
I was anti-sleepover for a long time
Sleepover invitations began when my oldest was in kindergarten, and I couldn’t imagine him spending the night in someone else’s home. I wouldn’t have described myself as anti-sleepover, but I definitely was.
Sometimes my boys would stay at a friend’s house until just before bedtime, then we’d come get them, and we’d all sleep better knowing they were in their own beds. I wasn’t judging other parents; I simply didn’t feel comfortable delegating that responsibility.
That approach may appear overly cautious, but as an older mom who grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, I recall sleepovers with little supervision.
Parents would disappear behind closed doors or leave the house entirely, leaving us kids to our own devices—watching R-rated movies, making prank calls, and sneaking sips from the liquor cabinet.
Nobody asked what we were up to, and no one came to check on us. That scenario seems unimaginable now.
I want my kids to feel safe, no matter where they are
While I have fond memories of those wild days of feral freedom, I now have a more mature perspective. There were times when I felt uneasy and even unsafe in someone else’s home, but I knew better than to call home for a ride. It simply wasn’t done, at least not among my circle of friends. So, once I became a parent, I knew I wanted to do things differently.
As my children grew older — and I got to know their friends’ parents — the boundaries loosened. My boys are now 13 and 15, and they understand what they like, what they are comfortable with, and, more importantly, what they are not.
I’ve noticed that when sleepovers come up, they’re often the ones who opt out, even when I agree to it. They’re more likely to want to hang out, enjoy the evening, and then request a ride home.
They can make the call to stay or go
A few months ago, my older son went to a sleepover and texted me at 11 p.m. “Can you come get me?” There’s no drama. Only a simple request.
When he got home, he didn’t seem upset; he was simply tired and ready for some alone time. I get it; I enjoy traveling and socializing with friends, but there’s nothing like coming home to my own belongings and bed.
Last week, the same son had an unplanned sleepover with his three closest friends. He didn’t have a sleeping bag, a change of clothes, or a toothbrush, but he seemed content to continue their all-day hangout (which extended into the next afternoon).
It was a low-key, drama-free sleepover — and a good reminder that independence doesn’t always mean pushing boundaries.
It sometimes appears that you know when you are comfortable and when you are not. And I appreciate that he felt at ease with a spontaneous sleepover just as much as he does when calling for a ride.
It’s reassuring to see them make their own choices now
I don’t consider myself a helicopter parent, but I do hover. Not to control my children, but to be present. To repeatedly emphasize that they have choices and do not have to conform to the crowd. That they are free to follow their instincts and change their minds for any reason.
I want them to practice saying “this isn’t for me” in small, safe ways now so that when the stakes rise in the future, they’ll be prepared.
As they approach adulthood and the prospect of leaving home becomes more real, I’m trying to strike a balance between stepping back and remaining close.
I do not want to smother them, but I do want them to understand that they are never alone. They can always call. Whether they’re 14 or 24, whether it’s 10 p.m. or 3 a.m., whatever the circumstances, I want that call to feel natural.
Some people may view a teenager returning home from a sleepover as a failure of independence. I see it as proof of this. My sons are learning to listen to and advocate for themselves. As for me, I’ll keep my phone and car keys nearby and continue to remind them that home is more than just a place. This is a promise.
